‘I went from an independent woman to someone with no voice and no independence'

With the 16 Days Campaign, challenging violence against women and girls, November 25th to December 10th,  underway Roscommon Safe Link reminds people that it provides crisis support, information and help to individuals who are experiencing any form of abuse now or in the past.

The team are there to help you, to listen if you are feeling afraid, confused, isolated or unsure and to help you to explore your options.

The story featured here is from someone who have lived with coercive control. They tell how they were targeted, set-up, and ultimately controlled in intimate relationship.

Bernice (name changed to protect her identity) recalls that at the beginning of her relationship she thought everything was really good. 

"I thought that I had found “the one” who would be my partner, the love of my life.

"Sometimes we had difference of opinion on everyday things and on worldly matters. It wasn’t a big deal at the beginning but as time went on I found he wouldn’t let it go until I agreed with him. He had to be right. Eventually I stopped having opinions because it wasn’t worth the hassle of trying to get my point across. I lost the interest and love I had for current affairs because my opinions didn’t matter anyway. We had arguments, about different things and he spoke in a higher tone and as time went on he began to shout at me. The arguments got worse. He wouldn’t just shout me down into silence, he also became more physical and he would often thump the wall or the door with annoyance before walking away.

"We weren’t long going out when we moved in together at his suggestion. I was a little reluctant but he persuaded me. My life changed very soon after that. If I said I was meeting friends he would insist on taking me there and come back to collect me and sometimes he would ask to come and join us. He soon controlled everything. If I said I wanted to buy clothes he would want to know what I needed and often decided I didn’t need it and wouldn’t give me the money. This all happened very cleverly within a twelve-month period, I went from an independent woman to someone with no voice and no independence.

"I became pregnant and I was delighted, but he wasn’t interested in the baby and he became more aggressive towards me. After the baby came along he had no interest in our son or in me other than to undermine and criticise me.

"I had gained weight during the pregnancy and he would call me “fatty”. I was so deflated and I felt permanently exhausted. If I mentioned going out for a walk on my own to clear my head he would say “your place is here”. He still wanted me to give him my full attention, have the dinner on the table when he came in the evening and have the baby quiet so he didn’t disturb him.

"As our little boy was getting bigger he became even more controlling. He would expect me to let the baby cry and do what he demanded. It became a vicious cycle. He was always calling me names saying I was stupid, I was fat and useless, I wasn’t allowed to go anywhere or have anyone call. He had even persuaded me to give up my work permanently when I was going on maternity leave. I thought if I was at home all the time that he would be happy. Now I realise that was one of my biggest mistakes because it gave him total control over me and my movements.  He monitored my online activity and I was afraid to call anyone just in case he would ring me and I wouldn’t be available to answer. I couldn’t leave the house or have anyone visit because I was afraid he would find out. He would often accuse me of being outside the house even though I wasn’t. Now I realise all that was part of his way of controlling me.

"I had lost my self-esteem because of the constant putdowns of my ability and my appearance. I was living in fear wondering what each evening would bring. I began to feel useless and worthless with not even the will to bother with my appearance. The abuse escalated to violence as time went on. He would push me, kick me or sometimes trip me and pretend it was accidental.

"When my son was two years of age my break finally came. One day completely out of the blue an old friend came to visit me. She had got my address from my former place of employment. I was thrilled to see her and I broke down crying as soon as I saw her. I told her what was happening. She was stunned and shocked to see me as a shadow of my former happy bubbly self. She insisted that we leave with her. We threw what I needed most for my son and myself in a bag as quick as we could and we left.

"I hadn’t spoken to anyone on my own in months. My friend called a domestic abuse service and they helped me get money and accommodation. My family was delighted to see me out of the relationship.

"I now understand what happened and how it happened but I never would have understood it without the education and support I got from the women in the domestic abuse service. The most valuable thing of all was the realisation that this was not because of something I did but something he did to me. I had always focused on me not being enough. It was because of his need to have full control over me."

* The Safe Link team are there to help you, to listen if you are feeling afraid, confused, isolated or unsure and to help you to explore your options.

Call and they will help you put a plan in place to keep you and your family safe, assist you in applying for protection and safety or barring orders and legal aid if you should so require.

Safe Link also provides family support, children’s therapeutic support and counselling.

Roscommon Safe Link is open Monday to Friday 9 a.m. to 5 p.m.

The story featured here is from someone who have lived with coercive control. They tell how they were targeted, set-up, and ultimately controlled in intimate relationship.

If this story or this explanation of coercive control mirrors your situation Safe Link can be contacted on 0719664200 or you can e-mail: info@roscommonsafelink.ie. If you need someone to talk to outside of these hours contact Woman’s Aid 24-hour National Freephone Helpline on 1800 341 900.

If you are in danger, call the Garda on 999 or 112.