Kettle's Boyled: I’m thinking of going on the ould drugs
It seems nearly everyone is taking drugs now, if you judge by the number of cases in the courts.
On top of that, the Gardaí are now stopping nearly as many people for drug driving as they are for drunk driving, but crucially, most people get away with the possession of drugs these days. So if I decide to start on the drugs thing, there is little chance of my ending up in Mountjoy, or even in a comfortable bungalow in Castlerea with a horse that somebody else pays to feed and maintain.
There is a thing called FOMO, or ‘fear of missing out,’ and I am starting to worry that I am missing out on a whole world of fun and frolics simply because of my wariness about lawbreaking or effects on my health. Because when I see some ageing rock-stars still able to dance around a stage in their eighties after a lifetime of popping pills and snorting powders of various kinds, I think that maybe I was too careful.
But for a novice junkie, where would I start? My MEP recommends cannabis, but it stinks and makes you dopey, although you can puff away to your heart’s content unless you are caught with a ton of the stuff. Anyone found in possession of cannabis is dealt with under the Adult Cautioning Scheme where you promise not to do it again and you can walk free. Typically, you can walk free about a hundred times before they start threatening to lock you up.
For more potent drugs like Cocaine and Heroin, your first offence can involve a fine of €2,500, but that hardly ever happens. For a second offence, the fine is the same, although for a third offence the judge ‘may’ send you to jail. You can improve your chances of not going to that bungalow in Castlerea by having a lawyer, and the courts will pay that bill too.
When I mentioned to my wife that I was thinking of taking drugs, she shook her head and said that was a slippery slope. She mentioned addiction, and the consequences of that, but I have already figured that out. The worst thing that can happen is that I become addicted to drugs and start selling off things from the house, like her car, but since most houses have too much stuff anyway, I’d see that more as a decluttering exercise. She disagrees, but I’m sure she’ll come around when my inner ‘party-animal’ emerges.
I could also fund a drugs habit with a life of crime, secure in the knowledge that I would have to clock up seventy or eighty convictions before I heard the bungalow door click gently behind me, and imagine all the business I’d be creating for local lawyers, social workers and Gardaí? The more I think of it, I’ve wasted my life, but maybe it’s not too late!
